The X-Files trailer takes years off the end of my life

… but it’s totally worth it.

Perhaps you haven’t seen it yet, in which case I recommend that you do. Perhaps you are one of my coworkers who, when I mentioned the new trailer today, expressed surprise that there were new X-Files episodes coming out and admitted having never watched the series. To each his own, but seriously how do you live.

In the meanwhile, imagine what happens when you take an internet full of obsessed fans and toss them a 2-minute snippet of new footage from a TV show that hasn’t existed in 13 years. They have torn this clip to pieces like a pack of feral cats possessed by a jaguar spirit.

Rather than take you through the intricacies of #DearGate or use the clips as proof of my theory of the dissolution of Mulder and Scully’s relationship, I’d like to point out 10 more things you should notice in the new trailer, in chronological order.

1. TTRN (0:03)

OMG YOU GUYS IT'S THE FUTURE. LET'S FIGHT IT.

OMG YOU GUYS IT’S THE FUTURE. LET’S FIGHT IT.

This snippet of a stock ticker lasts less than one second, but does that mean it was insignificant? Some preliminary research backs me up when I say nay. There are two possible companies that this abbreviation could pertain to: Titan Resources (an oil and gas company AS IN THE BLACK OIL) or the Trinidad & Tobago Radio Network (possibly related to the High Resolution Microwave Survey in Arecibo, Puerto Rico that Mulder visited in “Little Green Men”). You might point out that the ticker across the bottom reads TRRX, implying that these are just random stock symbols in alphabetical order used to make the trailer look all futuristic. I would then point out that your mom.

2. Ukraine (0:14)

We didn't start the fire.

We didn’t start the fire.

The narrator (Joel McHale?) tells us that the alien invasion will be facilitated by our government and made to look like an attack from terrorists or Russia. Firstly, I do love that these are our only two options. Secondly — what did Ukraine do to get lumped into this? Are we to assume that by January 2016, Ukraine has been annexed by Russia? Maybe the Ukrainian flags flying here are those of rebel Ukrainian patriots, displeased with the excess baggage that comes with the Russian passport, such as awkward energy geopolitics and getting blamed for alien invasions.

3. Weird babies (0:22)

It's a miracle! Therefore we will steal it.

It’s a miracle! Therefore we will steal it.

The voiceover in this section mentions that the invasion will use alien technology that the government has been suppressing for 70 years. The juxtaposition with the baby confuses me, then. Alien hybrids and supersoldiers weren’t developed until the last 20 years. They’ve been taking babies from their mothers to make clones and hybrids for a couple decades, but even so the mother is not usually awake and screaming for it. WTF is this baby?

4. This old guy (0:37)

“Who am I? No, seriously. I don’t even know.”

Mulder asserts that this man is meant to confirm the truth if Mulder manages to put the pieces together himself. We watched the Syndicate burn alive, and this guy doesn’t resemble any of the upper-level FBI/DOJ/DOD people we’ve met who might be in on the conspiracy. So who the crap is this. My only theory is that Mulder has gone all Beautiful Mind and is telling his theories to some random hobo he met while drinking in the street after Scully broke up with him.

5. PENCILS (0:47)

This is the key to everything.

This is the key to everything.

Remember when Scully was gone for the weekend and Mulder spent his glut of spare loneliness chucking pencils at the ceiling? It’s one of the easiest go-to fan shoutouts that the series uses to let us know that even though the mytharc has gone through a blender and our soul mate protagonists are seeing other people, they remember that the core fan base is here or something. In this instance, though, the rest of the office has been thoroughly cleaned and painted, save for the pencils in the ceiling and a stray I Want to Believe poster on the floor. What, are we supposed to think that the contractors haven’t got around to picking those up yet in the 13 years that the office has been occupied by other departments? The only possible explanation is that a new generation of Syndicate has permeated the government and arranged the alien attack alluded to at the beginning of the trailer, and that they’ve already been at it long enough for another disillusioned old guy to peel off and seek contact with Mulder to warn him and bring down the whole operation. And this old guy happens to be the father of Leyla Harrison, and she can’t stop talking about the goddamn X-Files, so he uses this intricate knowledge to sneak into the FBI basement and set up a series of signals to get Mulder’s attention. Obviously.

6. Scully’s cell phone (0:56)

The first thing that jumped out was that Mulder is listed in her phone as Mulder. In the interest of science, I checked my own Android phone to see whether a contact could be listed using only one name, and it turns out that it can.

#duediligence

#duediligence

What is more distressing, though, is the little blurry icon in the upper left corner.

Instagram notification?

Instagram notification?

Scully’s location services are on. After all of her years on the X-Files and her intimate knowledge of the ways the government can track her, she’s gone ahead and turned her GPS tracking on in her phone. This from a woman who, once upon a time, bought decoy plane tickets to lose the government agents who she thought were tailing her as she tracked an unmarked tractor-trailer across the country. This is nothing if not a symbol of how far removed Scully is from the darkness and paranoia of the X-Files world. Though I would pay decoy-ticket levels of money to see her phone’s call history with Mulder…

7. Speaking of Mulder and Scully… (1:18)

Just make out.

Just make out.

MAKE OUT.

8. Scully has a gun (1:42)

What? It's a medical device.

What? It’s a medical device.

Scully and Mulder, pointing guns and overpowered flashlights into dark rooms. Two surprising things in this picture. One: Scully has a gun. She hasn’t worked for the FBI for a good long while, presumably, but apparently she kept that Washington, DC gun license up to date. Two: Mulder hasn’t dropped his gun yet.

9. CSM’s hand (1:47)

092915 hand

Distinctly less yellow with nicotine than that of Darryl Weaver. That would be an astute observation if anyone had bothered to see that episode.

I, too, was thrilled to hear the voice of CSM after so long, even though his appearance on the show had already been confirmed, contrary to all evidence that his face had been melted off by a helicopter missile in the series finale. However… who the hell’s hand is this? It’s suspiciously young. Did CSM pull a Leonard Betts and regenerate? Did he have himself cloned once the cloning project started to go well? Did he upload himself into a computer network and use it to control satellite lasers?

10. 2016 (1:51)

092915 2016

No. That’s too far away.

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